Sidereal Times

GO Customer Service Ambassador Fails to Bring Solution to Reader-iPod Dispute

Originally Published: August 15, 2018

A Spokesman for Ontario public transit system GO Transit admitted minutes ago that Customer Service Ambassador Keith Wiczniwevwskii has failed to bring peace to coach 2305, the third car on the 5:00 Richmond Hill train.

Relations in the normally peaceful passenger vehicle began to deteriorate around 4:53 PM local time today, when Scott Atkinson, a youth garbed in hip-hop finery, took an upper-level seat beside Dmitri Vaskov, a Royal Bank employee completing his regular workday commute from Toronto’s Union Station to the community of Gormley, north of the city. Mr. Vaskov immediately was disturbed by what he described as “that rap rap noise” emanating from a portable music device being worn by Mr. Atkinson. Continue reading “”

Comedian Norm MacDonald Accused of Making Disparaging Remarks During Apology for
Earlier Disparaging Remarks

Originally Published: September 12, 2018

Comedian Norm MacDonald, who had an appearance on the Tonight Show cancelled after he made remarks appearing to disparage the #MeToo movement, is in trouble again after he made remarks in his apology for the original remarks that appeared to disparage the handicapped.

Continue reading “”

Blue Jays Announce Expanded Dynamic Pricing Program

New Algorithm Factors In Individual Personal Data When Determining Ticket Prices

Originally published: December 10, 2017

Major League Baseball’s Toronto Blue Jays announced today that they are expanding their highly profitable dynamic pricing program.

Previously, tickets to games featuring more popular opponents like the New York Yankees and Boston Red Sox were priced higher than those for other teams. But now, thanks to modern data mining technology, the ball club can determine the maximum price that every individual fan is willing to pay for each of the teams eighty-one home games..

Continue reading “”

Mark Zuckerberg Forced to Dip Into “Rainy Day” Fund After Facebook Shares Plummet

Originally Published: July 26, 2018.

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg admitted today that he was surprised to find that he had to dip into a bank account he maintained for major crises in order to cover the $119 billion dollar drop in Facebook shares in the course of a few hours this morning.
Continue reading “”

Sea Turtle in “Straw-Up-Nose” video breaks silence

Pollution victim or Party animal?

Originally Published: July 18, 2018.

The announcement by Starbucks that they will be banning plastic straws starting in 2019 is the most concrete response yet to a problem that came to most people’s attention through a video released earlier this year. The video, a graphic and disturbing view of a sea turtle having a 10-inch plastic straw extracted from its nostril, quickly went viral upon release and alerted the world to the problem of disposable plastic straws and the danger the non-biodegradable items can pose to ocean wildlife. It caused concerned citizens to pressure restaurants into banning straws if they can’t find an environmentally friendly alternative.

The problems caused by plastic waste in our oceans is very real, but ST has learned that the back story to the video that focused public awareness on the issue isn’t quite as it seems.
Continue reading “”

ST Gets a First Look at Ford Government Plan for Ontario School Sex Education

Originally Published: July 12, 2018.

As promised, Ontario premier Doug Ford cancelled the new progressive sex education curriculum instituted by the previous Liberal government today.

“The previous government didn’t listen to the moms and dads when they brought in this legislation, and we are going to change that,” said the Premier at a press conference at Queen’s Park earlier today.

It was assumed that the Ford government would revert to the previous school curriculum which has not been updated since 1998, but ST has learned that they would prefer to go further than that. Continue reading “”

Inventor of Driverless Unicycle Disheartened to Learn of Ringling Bros. Circus Closure

Originally Published: July 4, 2018.

A local inventor’s joy at the patenting of a driverless unicycle quickly turned to disappointment today as he learned that the client he had expected to be most interested in his technology, the Ringling Bros. Circus, had gone out of business.
Continue reading “”

NHL Brass Discuss Impact on Upcoming Hockey Season of Imminent Self-Destruction of USA

Originally Published: June 30, 2018

A week of ideologically-driven Supreme Court decisions, followed by the retirement of the only centrist on that court, combined with the stunning victory of an avowed socialist over a high-ranking liberal Democrat in a New York primary and the open public hostility demonstrated towards Trump administration officials at a couple of restaurants, all have left the neighbouring republic to the south and its fragile democracy reeling.

And the announcement by President Trump that he would be replacing the retiring Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy with a young solidly right-wing judge has made it clear that the stampede overrunning human rights, the disinterest in the fairness of elections, the assault on women’s rights that will escalate with the even more right-leaning Supreme Court, will not just continue but rather accelerate. So as armed insurrection becomes the only reasonable check on fascist tyranny, the main question for Canadians looking southward in disbelief is of course, how will this impact on the future of the National Hockey League? Continue reading “”

Vegans Outraged by Vegetarian Restaurant Owner Brazenly Drinking Glass of Milk in Cafe Window

Originally Published: May 17, 2018

A simmering dispute between the vegan and non-vegan members of the vegetarian community in Toronto escalated this week when the owner of local vegetarian restaurant The Milky Way sat at a table in his shopfront window and drank an entire glass of milk in view of a dozen vegans who had been protesting in front of the trendy downtown eatery.

The two sides have been in conflict for several weeks now, ever since an informal group of vegan activists met in front of the dining establishment on May 11 and began chanting ‘No Milk Today” during the busy lunchtime period. Continue reading “”